Who the F*%K am I?!

It's interesting how uncomfortable I am with success.  "Success" is this golden ticket I've been yearning for my whole life.  I don't have a clear vision of what success is for me other than I know I will feel damn good when I am successful!  Success to me is feeling like I have "it"; like I'm "there", and am just patiently waiting to be pleasantly surprised by the other "its" of life.  That may not make sense to you; maybe success to you is a certain figure in your bank account, or a certain lifestyle; it's OK that we have different meanings for success.  I think the deeper question is, do we really want to succeed?

The past few weeks has opened me up to a whole other level.  I feel like I am at the cusp of that allusive success I've been dreaming about.  Problem is, I'm terrified.  Instead of feeling like YES, IT'S ALMOST HERE, I'm like...OH SHIT!  UMMM, I DON'T THINK I CAN DO THIS.  I am so not ready for success.  Are we ever truly ready for it?  I see people I love quit on their dreams all of the time because they are afraid.  A lot of fears are rising to the surface for me.  I've actually turned down opportunities recently because of these fears.  I recently hired a Virtual Assistant to help me promote myself, among other things, and one of the first things he told me was that I need to put myself on Youtube.  WHAT?!  NO WAY!!!  Youtube is for people with actual talent (or lack thereof but have a gimmick), and I have neither.  I mean, do I?  Could I? Should I? What if I actually do have something of worth and value to share with the world?  What if opening myself up to the possibility of not hiding behind my laptop is the tipping point I need to take me to that level of success I've been wanting?

I think my biggest concern is that I don't feel like I'm "qualified" to give any advice. Just like the title of this post I think, "who the fuck am I" to be giving advice?  Who am I, really?  I don't have any fancy certifications or degrees to go next to my name, so what do I have to show you, to prove to you that I am worthy of your time.  I guess the answer is, I don't have anything to show you.  I don't really have to prove myself and my worth to you.  I'm a person that loves to share what I know, and loves to connect people to resources.  I love to show you what I did to break free from a destructive cycle; I love to share what resources I used to get my hustle on when I was broke; I love to discuss how changing my thoughts helped me connect more with my body and environment.  I guess all I can do is just share what I've learned and hope that it can help you somehow on your journey.  I hope and dream that I can be successful by sharing with you what's in my heart and helping you find your way.

Leap and the net will appear

What's interesting is that I just recently learned this lesson, after taking my leap of faith.  When I first decided to move and basically turn my life right side up I didn't have much support from my loved ones.  Not to say they were completely against the idea but they were fearful for me.  I made the decision to move somewhere I had never lived before and in a place with no family, or security (I didn't have a job lined up).  I continued on with my decision against all odds.  Then once I actually made the move I had more support and love than I could ever have imagined.  The net appeared for me in so many unexpected ways.

Everyone tells me I'm so brave.  I did something that they could never do.  It's funny because I don't feel brave at all.  I was so hungry for change and did the most drastic thing I could think of at the time.  I made the decision to better myself and my life; I thought of it as the right thing to do. Our lives are ruled by the choices we make and we make them with the intention of being right.  I made the decision to move because I felt it was the right thing to do for me, not because it was the "brave" thing to do.  And don't think I just got up one morning and moved the next, I had a plan. My plan took 3 months to blossom.  

First step: I made the decision and set the intention.  I said "I am moving to San Diego" rather than "I hope (or wish) to move".

Second step:  I believed it was possible.  Right when I said it, I felt my heart leap for joy.  The decision was not made from a place of desperation or fear.

Third step:  I surrendered the "how".  I prayed on my desire and then let the magic happen.  I remained open to possibilities.  Once you believe something is possible, keep your mind and heart open to whatever presents itself next.  

Fourth step:  I kept myself open to receive.  I learned that we get the things we want (and need) in unexpected forms.  We receive the very best.  The path to the desire is not linear and it's also not clear to us, so I kept "my eyes peeled" to the things that presented themselves to me.  For example, right after setting the intention to move I was presented with the opportunity to work for a temp job.  I took it because I knew it would help fund my desire.  The opportunities which present themselves right away are important.

Fifth step: My daily routine involved planning to receive my desire.  My desire was to move to San Diego so I planned my move.  I did my research on housing, transportation, activities; I planned how my life would be once I moved.  I also made my desire present.  I wrote "San Diego" on the top of each month on my calendar so that every day marked off was one day closer to receiving it.

Sixth step: Make the desire greater than your fear.  This is a tough one because fear is a part of us. The fear inside will always be present but what helped me quiet it was to visualize my "new life" in San Diego.  Also I really avoided negative people and anyone who did not support my dream.  I did not like to talk about all the things that could go wrong because I can't control every single thing that happens (or doesn't happen) to me, so why focus on that?  I'd rather focus on what I can control.  Plus to be honest, everything was flowing nicely once I made my choice so much so that I figured the Universe was on my side to make it happen.  I felt right about it and so the right things were popping up in my life.  

When people are throwing shade your way, walk in the sun. Tweet this!

Seventh step: What's the worst that can happen?  I don't know if this will work for everyone, but I am a pretty cautious person and can be very paranoid at times.  Because my desire to move was greater than my fear, I did not let fear stop me, but trust me it was present.  One of the ways I was able to face my fear was by identifying what the worst case scenarios were.  In essence, it helped me to identify some of my worst fears tied to this decision.  I didn't create back-up plans to prepare for the worst case scenarios because I wanted to attach positive vibes to my choice.  I chose not to focus on the fear, rather just observe it.  I discuss a little bit about how I face my fears in a previous post.  I'll share with you my greatest fear attached to moving was that it wouldn't work out and I would have to go back home to live with my parents.  Doesn't sound so bad, right?  It's still an echo in my mind I can't get rid of, but I no longer fight it.  It is what it is.  I'm alive, healthy, have tons of people who love and support me, and that's what's truly important.  Which brings me to...

Eighth step: Gratitude! I thank God for placing "The Secret" in my life back in 2010.  This was one of the books that changed my life and the way I live it.  I am grateful every day.  I like to state out loud what I am thankful for every day.  I like to do this as part of my morning ritual, while getting ready for work, to start my day off right.  I think keeping tabs of what you're grateful for opens so many doors.  I think gratitude paves the way for blessings.

I can't tell you what happens after you take your leap of faith because there is no "cookie-cutter" result; everyone's journey is different. What I can say is that I have no regrets.  I would rather do something and determine whether it was the right choice or not for me, from my action, than live regretting my inaction.  I faced a lot of obstacles in the beginning.  I kept myself motivated by learning, meditating, writing, blogging, and taking comfort in the support of my loved ones.  I kept my desire to thrive in San Diego present.   I've shared with you in other posts some of the resources I used to guide me on my path.

I really hope this post can help you take more leaps!  I would love it if you can comment below what leap (or leaps) you would love to take? Or if you've already taken a leap of faith, how did you do it?

By the way, have you checked out my FREE E-BOOK? It's called "Greens on the Side" and will help you get started with your weight loss goals in just 5 easy steps.  Check it out!

Feel the FEAR but DO IT anyway!

Today's post is inspired by a challenge I am participating in, created by one of my favorite guides, Erin Stutland.  Her SAY IT SWEAT IT GET IT challenge is a FREE, one-week challenge to get your body and soul moving.  Not only do you receive daily emails with actions to take, but you also get a free 5-minute workout to get your heart and mind pumpin! Who doesn't have 5 minutes to dedicate to themselves; to work on their goals and desires.  The best part is that as you're moving your body to the workout you also have to state positive affirmations out loud.  The movements are in perfect sync with the words.

I'm currently on day-4 of the challenge and it has been my favorite so far.  One movement is to acknowledge that I am feeling the fear.  I feel the fear; it's present and I'm not avoiding it or backing down.  With the next movement you loudly and proudly state I DO IT ANYWAY!  That's my favorite part!  I laughed out loud when I first heard it.  The little rebel inside of me was jumping up and down excitedly.  It's like challenging fear itself; eff you fear!  I feel you, but guess what?  I don't care I'm gonna do me!  I'm gonna DO IT ANYWAY!

This mantra/affirmation really stuck with me for many reasons; the most present reason being my fear of lack.  Lately money has been great.  I've been creating abundance for myself just by changing how I view money.  It's a daily mental workout to change your thought patterns and behaviors, but I know I've come a very long way.  I'll give you an example.  I used to feel so angry at receiving what I called "pocket change".  I would randomly find dimes on the ground, or I'd receive a "cash-back" reward of 50 cents from my bank; I felt as though the Universe were mocking my desire for prosperity by presenting me with "minuscule" amounts, as if to say you want a million dollars but this is all you're ever gonna get.  Until very recently when I realized, oh shit!  I'm actually receiving without even really trying!  These "little gifts" from God are my desires manifesting.  I am actually creating magic after all.  Now whenever I pick up a dime on the ground or receive anything else I would've taken for granted, I say THANK YOU!

So, now I am creating abundance but WHAT DO I DO WITH IT?  I pay my bills.  I budget.  I plan how to spend every dollar.  This is something I'm working on to change.  I want to actually enjoy my money rather than be fearful I won't have enough.  I FEAR enjoying my wealth and then the next day being hit with a huge unforeseen bill or emergency.  Do any of you out there feel like this around money?  It's not a good feeling.  If the message I'm sending is money = fear, and I don't want to live in fear, then guess what?  I won't be receiving the money I desire.

I started changing the energy by doing some small acts of enjoying my money.  I bought myself some earphones I've been wanting and then the voices in my head started.  What if I'm gonna need this money later on, for an emergency?  Is this something I really need?  Can I live without it?  I would keep checking my account afraid that I'll find it negative (because of my past negative energy around money).  I couldn't even enjoy my purchase the first week I had them.  I kept going back and forth with myself on whether I should return them or not.  I finally decided to keep them and flexed my money muscles a little further by buying other things I DESIRED.  I am so used to buying things out of necessity that desire became a luxury I "couldn't afford".

When Erin commanded me to state out loud, "I feel the fear but I do it anyway" I took back my power.  I felt the shift immediately.  And I acknowledge that I already possessed this power when I challenged my fear by taking that leap of faith last year. Now whenever that nagging voice of fear pops in my head I tell it "I'm doing it anyway!".

By the way, have you checked out my FREE E-BOOK? It's called "Greens on the Side" and will help you get started with your weight loss goals in just 5 easy steps.  Check it out!

Your Wish is my Command

Ok, so right now everything is coming together.  In my previous post I discussed with you my FML moments and how I was having a negatively charged week.  After self-reflection I realized my trigger was work/money related.  Here is a snippet of that post:

"For me this week was all about being in a negative space related to my career path and finances. I still feel insecure about my financial situation and my job isn't my "dream job". Don't get me wrong, a job is a job and it can help in may ways. I'm grateful for the opportunity and all of the blessings that have come along with it. But I know deep inside that I'm meant to be my own boss. I don't know what that looks like exactly, but I know a job will keep me satisfied for only so long. A job to me is a snack; it satisfies you temporarily but you can only snack for so long. You need a real meal. A job does not feed my soul, but again I'm grateful for having one and take it as a lesson". - See more at: http://fatfabfit.blogspot.com/#sthash.WlOrL5QW.dpuf

So last week was all about feeling the feelings and letting it ride out.  This week is all about action for me.  I decided to convert that negative energy into productivity.  Instead of drowning out the noise with TV, movies, reading, any distraction, I chose instead to deal with my issues and emotions head on.  I started by simply tuning in to some meditation music on Pandora, lighting a white candle for peace and clarity, lighting some incense, and taking deep, cleansing breaths.  I then made a list of things to do, related to my issues with money/career.  The first was visualization; I set aside a few minutes to close my eyes and visualize myself living the way I want.  I chose to focus on my ideal financial situation and what that looked like, how that felt. Afterwards I recorded a video diary entry (I usually either write or record) on everything I felt to kind of release that energy.  I then came up with some other activities for the week, such as refreshing my vision board and create a virtual vision board on my desktop, so I can view it from there as well.

I started with this process on Monday, first by starting my day with some meditation.  What I did was download some calm, healing, meditation music and listened to it on my way to work and then on my way home.  It helps a lot to just listen and then close your eyes.  Eventually I feel myself drifting away, but not in a sleepy way.  I feel like I'm connecting to my higher self.  Just for your information, I'll be posting something soon on how I first started meditating and the people/healers I follow to guide me, so stay tuned!

Well let me just tell you that the magic started to happen already. At first it started Monday morning, while I was calm I asked/wished for a calm day at work.  It turned out my supervisor was out for the day! It was so relaxing not having to deal with the pressure/demands of my supervisor. Yesterday she told me that they would have to end my temp assignment earlier than expected.  At first, for about 10 seconds, I felt a little bit of fear and doubt.  For those 10 seconds I let it take over; what if I don't have enough?  What if I can't find another job?  How will I pay my bills? Thank goodness it only lasted that long.  I reminded myself that I am taken care of.  I reminded myself of my wish and desire to be my own boss, of the action steps that I took on Monday to work towards my vision.  My desires are manifesting!  Think about it, how can I be my own boss if I work for someone else?  This is the Universe/God's gentle nudge in the right direction.  I just know this is the right move for me.

I then received an email from my good friend Laura Yamin, who sent me some feedback received on her site.  She featured an interview of me on her page (you can view it HERE) and reading the comments and even going back to some of the things I mentioned about my journey helped reignite my passion for working towards achieving my dreams.  Here's a snippet of that interview:

"The best piece of advice I can offer you is to keep the desire bigger than anything else. Let your desire drown out all fear and negativity, not only from within but also from your friends/family/loved ones who are scared for you. Keep the desire alive and present; let it be with you always".

From this moment on, every time I feel fear and doubt creep in I'll remember that my desire is greater than my fear.  I'll continue to feel and believe that I am supported, and all of my desires are manifesting.

By the way, have you checked out my FREE E-BOOK? It's called "Greens on the Side" and will help you get started with your weight loss goals in just 5 easy steps.  Check it out!